I decided to pick up smoking again on Vacation. I figured I was staying up late, and drinking all the time and fucking strangers- why not indulge a little more. I smoked for a long time in my 20’s and I quit years ago when it got too insanely expensive to justify two smokers in the house. I was not ever really addicted to it back then.
About 4 years ago when the Ex had moved out and moved in with someone else- I bought a pack, just one. At that time I realized that my ‘not addictive’ personality had changed and it took me 4 months to stop.
Then, as now- I am not a committed smoker but when I want one, I want one. All week at work I have not stopped to take “smoke breaks.” I will smoke one on the way to work, one on the way home. A few at night. I have bought just one pack since I came home. I love to smoke, I always have. But I can’t afford the habit, and I hate smelling like it. Not many people smoke in California, which seems quite the opposite if where I was on vacation, where it seemed that everyone smoked.
The kids have noticed. My teenager asked me why I started again. I told him I was going to finish this pack, and not buy another. I went to bed last night with two left. I am now down to my last one. My younger child asked me this morning, “Mommy why are you having a cigarette? Daddy has cigarettes, he always has them. Are you going to be having cigarettes too?”
I hate that he even knows the word. I put it out mid stick. I will finish it later. Then smoke the last one later- when I can enjoy it, guilt free. I never suggest for people to give up their vices for the sake of others cause it usually doesn’t stick. However, I don’t want to be a smoker so this is just more reason.
There are other ways to deal with my oral fixation issues.